Bear Dog

Missy, an all kinds Dog whose letter is wayyyyyy longer than it need be. O.K fellow Dog Gossip hounds. Let’s get to it.

Missy from Watertown, N.Y. says, Blah, Blah, Blah, for Dog’s sake, Missy, get to the point!! Bear dog! Missy overheard her Rescuer saying she has the wither-all to be good bear dog when she gets a bit bigger. Missy wants to know if that’s a good thing. Here’s the way Missy put it after writing paragraphs of blithering nonsense.

I think I’d like to be a bear dog because my Rescuer said I’d be good at it but I don’t know if that’s a good thing to aspire to or what the drawbacks would be. Can you help me make an informed decision and get to the Simple heart of this matter, Simple-Dog?”

That depends, Missy. Since you’re asking this question it probably means you have more sense than instinct. That’s a baaaaad drawback for a bear dog.

But first I’d need to know what breed dog you are. If you’re a dachshund then he’s talking bait, as in, when you gain a few more pounds then you’re worthy to be bait to draw out a bear. Think of a lowered plate after a meal is finished and you get to lick the plate. That would be you. You would be the food on the plate and the bear would cleaning it by eating you. You also don’t appear to know what a bear is or looks like. It’s scary, Missy. It’s Just Plain Scary.

Picture something really, really big that growls and snorts fire and knocks over trees just for fun. And yes, Missy, I said knocks over those tall, leafy, wooden sky touchers for the entertainment value, and you, as a bear dog, would have the job of keeping that bear busy until your Rescuer shows up with a piece of wood joined to a hollow metal tube and you’ll hear something go BANG and your ears will hurt and you blood will freeze like it did back when the great wolves got stabbed with sharpened stones at the end of sticks thrown by these funny talking heathens.

But that’s if you make it through getting and keeping the bear’s attention. You’ll be with other dogs so you’ll have the advantage of pack hunting. But your pack isn’t the brightest of the bunch. Oh, there’s a few dogs that have managed to survive bear after bear but that’s due to less aware dogs rushing right at a bear first.

See Missy, Bears have dinner plate sized paws with sharp claws and teeth to make any dog proud. They have a layer of fat that sits atop muscle: fast muscles, huge Muscles. So your real job is harassing that damn big, black, hairy creature, not let it run too far from your Rescuer to go BANG, pissing off your Rescuer to no end and you’ll be punished for causing your Rescuer to lose a few pounds through sheer huff and puffing while trying to light a piece of paper between their lips on fire.

And for conversations sake, the only way to keep a bear’s attention is to run in real close and nip at it. All the while that bear is swinging those big paws with those sharp claws at your face. Your job is to slow the bear. The bear’s job is to slice you to ribbons.

What I would do, since it is your duty to seek worth to this heathen Rescuer, is to get the scent of a raccoon in your memory. See what color trail its scent leaves. When you’re out with the other dogs practicing pack hunting bear and you see that scent trail color, break off from the pack and run after that raccoon until it is so tired it climbs a tree. Then put your head back and bark your mind away.

When your Rescuer finally catches up with you and sees a raccoon up a tree and you at the base of the tree stopping that raccoon from getting to the ground and escaping, you just might hear something along the lines of “bless me all to hell. I done got me a natural coon hound.”

The life you just saved was your own, simply by doing one thing you didn’t know you needed to do when you woke up. That’s what makes certain days so special.